Dear Daughter Revisited

I am struggling.  This Mommy thing is going to end me.  

I wish for you:

That you occasionally (mostly) hate me.  It means I am doing my job as your parent instead of trying to be your friend.

Days of quiet, unending frustration because of your certain knowledge that you can do things so much better (and more correctly) than I.  It means you will be inspired to strive for greatness instead of drowning in the swamp of mediocrity of the majority.

Days of feeling morally superior to me for the thousands injustices you feel I have visited upon you.  It gives you the strength and desire to BE OF SUPERIOR CHARACTER.

That you FEEL the love I return to your glaring death rays.  Because you deserve to have someone who loves you at your worst as well as at your best.

Understanding that I respect your individuality when you close yourself up in your room and I don't constantly pester you....instead of thinking I don't care.

Disappointments over things you will realize later didn't really matter and the wisdom to know what does.

Heartache at losing a boyfriend who really doesn't love you so you can find one who can teach you what love is really all about.

The victory of achievement that comes from putting all your best efforts into something, big or little, important or not, so you know the value of giving your best.  It's what will make you the leader of the pack and not a follower.

Most of all, I wish for you to know how much I love you.  Even though you are convinced that I don't.

Mean Girls

So, my daughter is being bullied.  She's 16.  And very social.  Unlike me.  I hate people.

The bullying is so bad that this girl has alienated most of my daughter's friends from her and she doesn't want to go to school for her junior year of high school. Seriously, the child broke down and cried and begged me to enroll her in virtual school.  Which I did.  With a very heavy heart.

I don't know what makes me angrier, the bully (bitch) herself, or the fact that my daughter's "friends" are also "friends" with the bully and are doing nothing about this.  No one is taking her side.  Probably because none of them want to be the target.

I have read this "girl's" tweets and they are vulgar and disgusting.  And the "subtweets" about my daughter make me livid.  If she hates my daughter SO MUCH, why is she reading her tweets?!  And also, because she is a minor, I can't really approach her.  And I know if I intervene, it will just make things worse for my daughter.

I have read so many heart-breaking stories about victims of bullying who have committed suicide.  I certainly don't want that to happen to my daughter.  And so, I will do whatever she asks me to.

But what I really want to do is kick that girl's *ss for her.  Instead, I have turned it over to the Universe.  Praying every day for Karma to make an express delivery.   Cause no one is going to eff with my kid's joie de vivre if I have anything to say about it.

The Big Five-Oh

So, 50.  Just a number.  Right.....

Feels like it.  There was no big fanfare on my 50th birthday.  Well, to be honest, the entire world celebrated because my birthday is New Year's Eve.  I don't feel 50.  People tell me I don't look 50.  I am happier looking in the mirror today than at any other point in my life actually.  Since I'm definitely not worried about my looks, I guess that makes 50 easier.

What sucks about 50 is the reflection that comes with a major milestone in your life.

I am happier than I've ever been, don't get me wrong.  And I have dealt with all the disappointments and downfalls Life has thrown my way.  Like the unbelievable number of sociopaths I've encountered.

Male and female.  Seriously.  These fuckers are everywhere and seem to be unnaturally attracted to my bright white light.  Or something.  Self-serving, narcissistic, attention-seeking, soul-shredding, life-sucking sociopaths.  Jack-in-the-box people.  Present themselves as one thing and then, suddenly, SURPRISE, the real person appears.  Fuck me running.  

What's more, when you have finally had enough and call them out on their shit, not only are they shocked, they have excuses (WHY YOU BEHAVE BADLY IS IRRELEVANT, ASSHOLE), or they are so good at deluding themselves that they do not believe what you are telling them.  It is truly amazing to watch.  My God, if only I could achieve that sort of oblivion-is-bliss shit through yoga or mediation!!  

I am making it my life's goal for whatever years I have left on this stunning planet to avoid these emotional vampires and the pain they inflict upon my spirit.  I have had enough of being broken and putting the pieces back together.

Just gotta figure out the screening process.