Monday, October 10, 2011

Monday, Effing Monday (or, Pay Attention to Your Intuition)

So, Monday didn't start off so hot for me.  Wind, rain, thunder woke me up about 3am.  Then, my weather alert radio did its job by going off twice between 3:30 and 4:00am.  I did exactly what you are not supposed to do and turned it off instead of listening to what was going on.....tornado warnings.  All I can say is thank Goddess there were no tornadoes in my area.  Also, the power went out at some point during the night.  Glad I have the battery back-up alarm clock, but I jumped out of bed about 30 minutes early (SUX) and had to reset every other electronic clock in the house.  Sweet!  As I was having my coffee listening to Mother Nature's fury, a voice inside said, "You should probably just stay home today."  I considered this, since I really haven't been feeling well, but I am so far behind at work, and it's month end, so duty won.

Then, my daughter decided not to wait at the bus stop (good call, since the monsoon was still going on) and asked me to take her to school.  Cool, I can get to work EARLY today.  Always a plus since it gives me some quiet time before the AW comes in.  Alas, it was not to be.  This Monday had other plans for me.  

This is the bridge I have to cross every day on my way to and from work.  And this is pretty much what it looked like this morning, except with a LOT more barely-moving traffic.  I was not in a hurry, since I was way ahead of schedule.  I wasn't speeding, or tailgating, or texting, or screwing with the radio.  I was paying attention.  Made it to the top of the bridge, ok, halfway there.  Traffic always creeps UP the bridge, so we were going slowly.  Just after I started my descent, the chick in front of me slams on her brakes.  And so do I.  Thrilling. Anti-lock brakes do not work very well in the rain on wet, oily pavement.  I remember thinking, "Swerve! Maybe you won't hit her."  But, there's no emergency lane on this bridge.  At all.  A few scant inches between the end of the lane and the edge of the bridge. Instinct took over and said, "Fuck that!  Hit her straight on!"  Slow motion sliding, thinking, "STOP, CAR!  STOP!"  I didn't have time to look in the rear-view to see if anyone was going to hit me. Thankfully, no one did.  BAM!  And instant coffee fountain.  Ohmygodmyphone!  Safe.  Only a few drops on the screen. At 7:35am.  FUCK, FUCK, FUCKITY-FUCK FUCK! Happy Catfucking Monday.

So, here we are, three cars on the bridge, cause the chick in front of me hit the girl in front of her.  I'm gonna say she did that BEFORE I hit her, but the State of Florida doesn't give a crap about that.  I'm the last one in line, so I caused the entire clusterfuck.  Fabulous.  I'm motioning like crazy for her to inch down the bridge to an emergency lane, but no dice.  Perfect.  Wonder if I'm now on the traffic report because we are wreaking havoc by blocking one lane of a two-lane bridge.  So much for my perfect driving record....and for getting to work early.  But, hey, at least I'm not floating in the St. John's River, right?

So, First Cop stops and asks us all to proceed down the bridge (YAY!).  But, he's off-duty, so we have to wait for the "real" cop to show up.  And he turns out to be not nearly as much fun as First Cop.  Drag.  Takes license, registration and insurance information from all three of us.  Wait, wait, wait.  Walks to chick in front of me.  Back to his car.  Chick's boyfriend arrives and shoots eye-daggers at me as he walks to her car.  Cop walks to chick in front of me.  Back to his car.  Walks to chick in front of me.  Back to his car.  Then, walks to chick in front of me with screwdriver in hand.

And takes her tag.  Oh.My.Fuck.

Yeah, we're probably gonna be here awhile.

Meanwhile, I cannot reach a single soul in my support network.  Am I in a black hole or something?  Is this a Twilight Zone episode?  Did the mothership finally come for me?  Even my insurance agent (like a good neighbor, State Farm is not always there) doesn't answer.  (PS.  I finally heard from them about 10:30....three freaking hours AFTER the accident.)

At last, my friend L answers her phone.  I am finally able to sob somewhat.  This is about an hour after the whole thing happened.  I am scared shitless cause I know this is all going to be my fault and OMG the bitch in the middle has an expired tag (at least) and probably no insurance.  So the chick SHE hit will probably be coming after me.  FAN-fucking-tastic.  It is now almost two hours since I left home.  I am STARVING and I need to pee like nobody's business.  But still, the cop is going from his car to the chick in the middle.

Finally, here he comes with all the paperwork.  And a sweet little citation for careless driving for me.  Great, only $169 ticket.  I can go to traffic school and avoid the points on my license.  Ok.  But still, $169.  Crap.  Deep breath and slowly proceed to work.  Where I finally look at the front of my car.

Ok, could have been a lot worse.  Have a friend who can take care of this for me, won't even have to file an insurance claim.  Whew.  Thank you, Nissan.  Thank you, Universe, that no one was hurt and it's all (mostly) over.  The worst damage to my car was this:

My son gave me this after I smashed the first one banging into the trailer hitch on the back of EH2's truck as I wheeled into his driveway one morning after he thoroughly pissed me off.  I think these things are cursed.  Definitely not replacing this one.  And from now on, I will ALWAYS trust my intuition.


  1. That a really bad Monday morning...I hope your day got better. I bumped someone in the rear a couple years ago going 2 miles an hour and she got $500 from my insurance company.

  2. Have you downloaded the song "Intuition" by Jewel?? It's good. Oh, and thank Goddess you and the Nissan survived with minor injuries. Hope the rest of your week is smothered in 'happy'!

  3. @Paula: YIKES. Afraid my insurance company may be in for more than that. The chick I hit crashed into the Infiniti in front of her. Yes, I said Infiniti. Yay.

    @Anonymous: being smothered in anything would be good right now, but I'll take "happy". :)

  4. WELL.. all I have to say is..I am so glad that you are OK! But that was one of the funniest things that I have read in a long time. I felt like I was riding in the car with you ( I are wishing that someone was with you...anyone!) least you were able to drive away and did not have to deal with a major car rental...

    Hope the rest of the week has been kind to you!!