How to Survive a Teenager

Yep, this is pretty much what a teenaged daughter looks like sometimes.  I am never sure what the hell is coming at me, so I usually just try to stay the hell out of the way.

I have friends whose daughters are now in their twenties who tell me it will get better.  I still have hope.

This child has been mad at me (hated me) since she was three when her *wonderful* father told her on one of his visitation weekends that I was the reason he didn't live with us (she was barely two when we separated, so she didn't remember us all being together).  He thought he was getting even with me.  What he really did, besides destroying her relationship with her mother, was scar her for life.  She has been mad at me for so long, she doesn't even remember WHY she is mad at me.  Even though she is old enough now to have learned the truth (on her own) about her father.

Just one of a thousand reasons I will have to seriously restrain myself from punching him in the face without a word the next time I have the displeasure of seeing him in person.

High school graduation is a little over a week away, so I may have my chance sooner than I expected.  :)

How to survive a teenager:  vodka never hurts.  Solitude is good, too.  Stay the hell away from it and throw it food and money (when you can).

Dear Daughter Revisited

I am struggling.  This Mommy thing is going to end me.  

I wish for you:

That you occasionally (mostly) hate me.  It means I am doing my job as your parent instead of trying to be your friend.

Days of quiet, unending frustration because of your certain knowledge that you can do things so much better (and more correctly) than I.  It means you will be inspired to strive for greatness instead of drowning in the swamp of mediocrity of the majority.

Days of feeling morally superior to me for the thousands injustices you feel I have visited upon you.  It gives you the strength and desire to BE OF SUPERIOR CHARACTER.

That you FEEL the love I return to your glaring death rays.  Because you deserve to have someone who loves you at your worst as well as at your best.

Understanding that I respect your individuality when you close yourself up in your room and I don't constantly pester you....instead of thinking I don't care.

Disappointments over things you will realize later didn't really matter and the wisdom to know what does.

Heartache at losing a boyfriend who really doesn't love you so you can find one who can teach you what love is really all about.

The victory of achievement that comes from putting all your best efforts into something, big or little, important or not, so you know the value of giving your best.  It's what will make you the leader of the pack and not a follower.

Most of all, I wish for you to know how much I love you.  Even though you are convinced that I don't.

Mean Girls

So, my daughter is being bullied.  She's 16.  And very social.  Unlike me.  I hate people.

The bullying is so bad that this girl has alienated most of my daughter's friends from her and she doesn't want to go to school for her junior year of high school. Seriously, the child broke down and cried and begged me to enroll her in virtual school.  Which I did.  With a very heavy heart.

I don't know what makes me angrier, the bully (bitch) herself, or the fact that my daughter's "friends" are also "friends" with the bully and are doing nothing about this.  No one is taking her side.  Probably because none of them want to be the target.

I have read this "girl's" tweets and they are vulgar and disgusting.  And the "subtweets" about my daughter make me livid.  If she hates my daughter SO MUCH, why is she reading her tweets?!  And also, because she is a minor, I can't really approach her.  And I know if I intervene, it will just make things worse for my daughter.

I have read so many heart-breaking stories about victims of bullying who have committed suicide.  I certainly don't want that to happen to my daughter.  And so, I will do whatever she asks me to.

But what I really want to do is kick that girl's *ss for her.  Instead, I have turned it over to the Universe.  Praying every day for Karma to make an express delivery.   Cause no one is going to eff with my kid's joie de vivre if I have anything to say about it.

The Big Five-Oh

So, 50.  Just a number.  Right.....

Feels like it.  There was no big fanfare on my 50th birthday.  Well, to be honest, the entire world celebrated because my birthday is New Year's Eve.  I don't feel 50.  People tell me I don't look 50.  I am happier looking in the mirror today than at any other point in my life actually.  Since I'm definitely not worried about my looks, I guess that makes 50 easier.

What sucks about 50 is the reflection that comes with a major milestone in your life.

I am happier than I've ever been, don't get me wrong.  And I have dealt with all the disappointments and downfalls Life has thrown my way.  Like the unbelievable number of sociopaths I've encountered.

Male and female.  Seriously.  These fuckers are everywhere and seem to be unnaturally attracted to my bright white light.  Or something.  Self-serving, narcissistic, attention-seeking, soul-shredding, life-sucking sociopaths.  Jack-in-the-box people.  Present themselves as one thing and then, suddenly, SURPRISE, the real person appears.  Fuck me running.  

What's more, when you have finally had enough and call them out on their shit, not only are they shocked, they have excuses (WHY YOU BEHAVE BADLY IS IRRELEVANT, ASSHOLE), or they are so good at deluding themselves that they do not believe what you are telling them.  It is truly amazing to watch.  My God, if only I could achieve that sort of oblivion-is-bliss shit through yoga or mediation!!  

I am making it my life's goal for whatever years I have left on this stunning planet to avoid these emotional vampires and the pain they inflict upon my spirit.  I have had enough of being broken and putting the pieces back together.

Just gotta figure out the screening process.  

It's a Southern Thing

Growing up as a Southern girl, I can remember actually drooling when I heard chicken 'n' dumplins were what's for supper.  I always ate so much I made myself sick on 'em.  It's what I requested for my birthday dinner every year.  It's not just good for you, it's good for your soul.  Good old down home love on a plate.  It'll fix what's ailin' ya, that's for sure.  Southern version of homemade chicken soup.  

Chicken 'n' dumplins bring back all kinds of warm, glowy memories for me.  First of all, cause my Mimi made them. And there are countless beautiful memories tied to her.  Wild violets growing in her yard. The dainty lilies of the valley growing in the shade by the front porch. Pear tree in bloom looking like it was covered in snow. Lazy warm breezy Tennessee summer afternoons reading on a blanket under the hackberry tree.

And her singing silly little made-up ditties while she was making magic in the kitchen. Her biscuits with her pale pink plum jelly.  Or honey.  Or just her biscuits.  The smell of coffee from that old percolator. There was always something happening in Mimi's kitchen.  Just like mine.

Just so we're clear, these are not dumplings.

These are biscuits.

These are not dumplings, either.

These are noodles, and not good ones.  They're hard and lumpy.  Ugh.

THESE are dumplings:

Y'all come getcha some.  I dare you to have the patience not to blister your mouth.

We Interrupt this Blog for a Personal Message

Dear UrADouche: (CLICK HERE)       


Since I know you are reading my blog:

Just sayin'.....

Picture from A Beautiful Mess Inside

On my own.  With help from no one.
I certainly wouldn't jeopardize my job over the likes of you.
But kudos for the valiant effort to besmirch my reputation/get me fired.

And are you The King there?

Live by the lie, die by the lie.

Please have the grace to slink quietly back to the hellhole from which you crawled.  Seriously, honey. Your Karma is fucked up enough from all the deception.


Don't make me call the flying monkeys.  Really.  You know I have connections.  (Glinda wrote that part.  She's very disappointed in you.)

Wishing you all the best,
xoxo
Sadie

I've Been Liebstered!!

So, I've been given my very first Blogger Meme award!  I've been given the Liebster Award by TheAdventuresOfNotSupermom, one of my favorite ladies on the interweb. Click on over and check out her amazing strengths as she deals with her Minor Details (her kiddies).

The Liebster Award highlights up-and-coming blogs, those with less than 200 followers.  Liebster is German for Friend, so I'm taking a few moments to call attention to those I consider friends.

The Rules:

Upon receiving the Liebster Award, you must do the following:

1. Show your thanks to the blogger(s) who gave you the award by linking back to them.

2. Reveal your top 5 picks and let them know by leaving a comment on their blog.

3. Post the award on your blog.

4. Bask in the love from the most supportive people on the Internet – other writers.

5. And best of all – have fun!

And My Liebster Awards go to:

The Woman Formerly Known as Beautiful:  Shannon Colleary is witty, talented and beautiful, and has taught me so much about life as a former wacktress turned wife and mother in LA (I could never hold up to the pressure!).

Portlandiamom:  "Jen" e sais quoi always makes me laugh, even when she's not writing about Nathan Fillion.  With two short people to wrangle, plus Foodie Fridays, there's always something new to learn.

The Wily Weez:  Fuck You Fridays and sarcasm that makes me sound like Snow White.  What else do you need to know?

Ow, my angst:  Karensomethingorother is another dazzlingly brilliant blog mommy on an exciting journey through daily life.  Kids make excellent blog fodder, right?

Tazer Warrior Princess:  What can I say about Tazer?  Besides the fact that she is effing awesomeness wrapped in tell-it-like-it-fucking-should-be-said-ness.  And I love that.

Thanks to these fantastic bloggers for making my day!!  

Torn Between Two (Ex)Lovers

......making them my fools..............................

from www.officialpsds.com

So, we've established that UrADouche is really a douche and he has been stalking me again.  Puzzling, since our last communication was a scathing email from me basically telling him what a lying piece of fucking shit he is.  Mystery solved when I found out from my super-secret switchta (sister witch) and a happy little coincidence (sign from the Universe) what's actually been going on.  He's currently in between victims.  And now everything makes perfect sense.  This is exactly why he kept disappearing completely from my radar so often and for weeks at a time.  Only to come swooping back into my life.....whenever he'd been shot down.  He once said I always "felt like home".   Apparently he doesn't realize he is now homeless.

Now, for the latest news about EH2.  Several weeks ago my super-sleuth friend, L, called to report some delightful Facebook activity.  Seems that EH2 remarried his ex.  Not terribly surprising as this is their third marriage to each other.  However, when she emailed me a copy of the marriage license (told you she is a super-sleuth), I was a bit shocked at the date.  Because about a week before that is when the texting and emailing regarding his undying love for and devotion to me began anew after almost six months of peace and quiet.  (Coincidentally (NOT), this is the same time UrADouche came back around.) Since then, the "goodnite babe" texts are coming in like clockwork.  As are the "I miss you" ones.


Quite often, I receive texts from each of them simultaneously.  I am seriously not kidding.




So, here's what I decided to do.

from www.jimobeatz.com

I am playing them both.  That's right.  Leading them on.  Keeping them on the hook.  Making them dance like little puppets.  Feeding them the same crap they are feeding me.  Composing the sweetest-ever siren's song, individually appealing to each of them.  And they don't even see what's coming.

from www.telegraph.co.uk

As for EH2, I pretty much got even with him when I divorced him.  I plan to eventually forward his text messages to his wife.  I so have her cell number.  And, since my relationship with him started during their previous marriage (don't judge me), I am quite certain she will castrate him.  I won't even have to lift a finger.


My plans for UrADouche are a bit more complicated and somewhat still up in the air.  I plan to play with him as long as it is fun, as I owe him almost two years' worth of PushMePullYou for jerking me around heart and soul most mightily.  The ultimate goal is to be able to lure him into a room full of his past and present victims.  That would just be exquisite, watching him squirm and run for the nearest exit.


Short of that happening, I plan to unleash the fury of Sadie scorned upon him.  Ok, not really, I'm a white witch, I can only use my powers for good.  And the rules say whatever you send out into the Universe will be returned to you threefold.  So, since I can't turn him literally into the jackass that he is, I am lighting candles sprinkled with certain witchly herbs (would LOVE to get my hands on some wolfsbane, since he fancies himself a werewolf.  At least the wolf part is the truth.) to cast a spell to return to him everything he has ever given me; the deception, the tears, the heartache, and most importantly, the longing caused by the disengenuous promise(lie) of who he was and what was to be.  And when I'm through playing with him, I intend to tell him everything I have learned about him, warn him off his hunting grounds, and threaten to expose him with the 400+ smarmy full-of-shit emails I have kept from him.


So, dear readers, now you understand why I have been absent from my blog.  Being a witch is very exhausting, but oh-so-worth it!  I am no longer a puddle of insecure helplessness (like I ever WAS), but feeling strong and powerful enough to be The Avenger.  And it's all in the name of what is right and holy.  If I can save even one sister...........


Now I'm off to do more witchly business.  Stay tuned.

Hollister Shopping Bag Mystery

Ok, I will admit right now that I am "stats-obsessed" when it comes to my blog.  I check constantly to see if I am actually reaching people, and, if so, who.  As of today, my "all-time" stats look like this:

United States:   861              United Kingdom:  40
Canada:  22                         New Zealand:  20
Germany:  7                         Russia:  5
Sweden:  4                          Belgium:  2
China:  2                             Hong Kong:  2


I was rather surprised by some of these countries.  I know blogspot allows you to click on "next blog", so I'm sure that's how some of these people got here.  And, there's also a built-in translator, which has come in handy when I've stumbled upon blogs in languages other than English. Why and how I will never be able to trace.  So I decided to see which of my posts was the most popular.  Here's what I found out.

Deliver me from Hollister Aug 14, 2011 90 Pageviews Fried Chicken is EVIL Aug 8, 2011, 1 comment 24 Pageviews Monday, Effing Monday (or, Pay Attention to Your I... Oct 10, 2011, 4 comments 24 Pageviews The Workout Bitch Aug 9, 2011 18 Pageviews Glinda on Crack Sep 1, 2011, 1 comment 18 Pageviews UrADouche - UPDATED Sep 15, 2011, 2 comments 16 Pageviews Technology Clusterf*ck Sep 26, 2011, 2 comments 15 Pageviews Blog, Blog, Bloggetty-Blog Blog (or All Hyped Up a... Aug 30, 2011 14 Pageviews Ode to Vodka Aug 9, 2011 13 Pageviews Not So Delicious Aug 7, 2011, 1 comment 12 Pageviews Pages Mood Rings Aug 28, 2011 36 Pageviews What the Eff IS That? Aug 7, 2011 27 Pageviews Shit That Drives Me Crazy Sep 1, 2011 25 Pageviews Notes to Self Aug 28, 2011 23 Pageviews Shit I Really Like Sep 1, 2011 21 Pageviews Contact Me Aug 28, 2011 13 Pageviews

For over two weeks now, the Hollister thing has had more traffic than I can actually believe.


Ok, if you Google "Hollister shopping bag pictures" and scroll down to about the sixth row, there is the picture from my blog post..  If you click on the picture, it brings up the picture from my post, click the "x" on the picture, and you're reading my post. Ok, I get it.  But why in the name of all that's unholy are so many people suddenly searching for a picture of a Hollister shopping bag?  This is blowing my mind.  


So, here's a plea to all of you dear readers who have found my blog by searching the internet for "Hollister shopping bag pictures".  What is the big deal with those bags suddenly?  Is it the pictures on the bags? Is it the Hollister brand? Is the Universe screwing with my head?


Please, please, please leave a comment!  I am simply dying to know what's going on!  You are my only hope!  Clue me in.