Thursday, September 15, 2011


(You're a douche.) This is what I say in my head to/about the Dude I Broke Up With quite often.  Every time he sends me a cute little text or an email. Apparently he doesn't *get* that I broke up with him. Ok, well, in his defense, I have done this at least twice in the past already.  But this time I mean it.  The reason I feel Dude is a douche is not because he doesn't get the breakup; he so does really get it.  It's the fact that he's still trying to worm his way back in.

UrADouche.  That's how I see the letters in my brain. And now I have proof that he is a douche. Because he's been secretly working for Hallmark. He/they have a new line of greeting cards in the "Between You and Me" group called "Suggestive Love".  I shit you not.  And you will not find these on the Hallmark website.  I checked.  When I get the cold hard facts that Dude I Broke Up With was involved, I'm going after half of his royalties because I know with unerring certainty that I was his research project/unwitting assistant. Because I fell for this crap hook, line and sinker.

I was too cheap and too afraid of copyright infringement to buy a card and post  it here.
But you can check out some of the cards here:

Aw, that is beautiful, right?  Yes, it could be, if this card was from your undyingly faithful husband/boyfriend who just isn't able to verbally express his desire for you without sounding like a jackass.  Unfortunately, dudes like that will not be buying these cards.  It will be the disingenuous assholes who want you to believe that they have feelings for you other than plain old lust.

Now, let me just say that at that right time with the right person, a good "just for funsies fuck-buddy" relationship can be just the ticket.  But what I don't understand is why some guys think it's ok to lie through their teeth to get what they want.  I, for one, would welcome some good old-fashioned honesty.  Seriously.  Just TELL me you only want to have a good time.  I can hang.  But for the love of God(dess), do not pretend that there is anything more than sex behind your intentions if there isn't.   Do not say/write things that paint a rosier picture of you than the lying scumbag you really are.  Do not practice the art of deception. Call a spade a spade, or, in this case, call a fuck a fuck.

I was so outraged when I saw these cards at my corner drugstore/mini we-have-everything-you'd-ever-need-mart that I scared everyone within two or three aisles of me.  Sputtering out loud, profanity and all.  Using "Love" as a euphemism for sex should be punishable by having certain body parts removed slowly by the person to whom you have lied/pretended/lied by omission of fact(s)/caused emotional devastation.  And those body parts should also include your lying eyes, and the lips you used to utter all this bullshit.

Now for the slimy catf*ckers at Hallmark who actually approved and put into production this line of "greeting" cards, I would just like to send a big FU.  I hope a dirtbag like the Dude I Broke Up With sends these kinds of cards to your daughter(s).

UPDATE:  Afterthought
PS.  To the Dude I Broke Up With:  You never returned my copy of "Wicked" which I loaned you over a year ago and have asked for twice now.  It occurs to me this instant that you either a) loaned it to another casualty of your bullshit and/or 2) used it for chick bait.  Either way, please feel free to keep it.  It is tainted with your bad juju and I would rather spend money to buy a new one.


  1. OMG I know what you mean!...I have actually had some of this stuff said to me, just for the purpose of 'getn sum' @_@ It sounds like you might know the same douchecanoe that I do?!?! Or as reality may have it, there is more douchiness out there than any of us really want to admit to. Just readin a couple of those cards makes my skin crawl. Now blow off this bad juju and stop cussin in the card isle...the pharmacy might try to 'up' your meds ;D